Wilderness of the Heart

Once again I wander
In the wilderness of my heart
Dryness and weariness intensely felt
Thirst and hunger always felt.

Belongingness and loneliness
In the midst of happiness
Yet uncertain, unreal, it seems
Temptations, to stop, to go back.

Tempted to stop, I said, it’s enough
Journeying in the wilderness of the heart
Leading to the unknown
Unknown part of my life.

To the familiar world, will I return?
Not in a new place, not in the wilderness
On the familiar world, by heart is known
Should I decide, yet grow no more.

Anxiety, insecurity I feel inside
Hopelessness reveals something
Where my heart truly belongs?
In the wilderness, where God leads me into?
Or to the familiar place where I’ve been to?

My Sex Story...a reflection

My Sexual Formation Story

Early Life
During my early life, my family influenced my sexuality in many ways. I observed their affections as a first abstract definition of sexuality which I learned later in my adult life. As they chase each other inside our home, I got a healthy impression of how love exists between a woman and a man. They also tried to orient to me what is my difference from my sister. As becoming an adult, my father taught me to be mature sexually especially the time he accompanied me when I was to be circumcised. Maybe the terms my family used to describe penis and vagina as bird and flower, helped also me to gradually values the parts of body I have. Later, my peers also influenced me in other way that somehow had a positive and negative effect to me. Comparing each other's penis created a notion to me to be a man is to have a bigger sex organ. Influence of pornographic materials became a secret among us only since it became acceptable and interesting. Discovering my body's natural capacities made me aware how God made me into a complex human.

The Impact of the Society, Culture and Church
When I started asking my body and self, I started becoming confused of my role aside from my family circle. I learned that I'm the eldest and have the responsibility to my young sister. But in the bigger outside society, who I was became a big question. My role in every class activity, in our Barangay as a Youth Councilor, and as a young man who is expected to act from peoples' perspectives and expectations. I was born as a man and expected to conform to what the society's standards. Yet at my young age, responsibilities in the society and even in the Church affiliations as catechist and altar boy didn't help me to enjoy my youthfulness, but somehow helped me in my early moral formation. Attractions with beautiful girls became a sensation to me but was very careful that my parents wouldn't find it out. My attendance to Church catechisms and Sunday schools helped me to be aware of what is the role of creation in my life, that I am created in God's image and likeness, thus to be holy and pure. Conventionally, I was terrified yet exciting to masturbate as a young boy but I still manage to do it, in spite of the teaching that masturbation is a sin, as it is.


Religious Formation, Relationships and Community Life
In my religious formation, my attitude towards sexuality became more mature and still becoming mature, and understanding sex as part of being human created by God. As a sexual being, I have longings to be part of relationships. Yet choosing the way of celibacy is another lifestyle that is healthy for me in expressing my humanness to others yet chaste. There is maturity in my being as I gradually appreciate my self as a sexual person. Being intimate to my self, being at home of being who I am as I was formed is one of many ways to live a healthy celibate life. Through prayers, God's grace will help me to be open to spiritual growth; spiritual awakening, like being awakened into sexual being. Prayers bear fruits like my relationship to God as well as to my fellow being, both men and women. I will be able to live a balance lifestyle according to the values of God's Kingdom, in togetherness and individuality. My relationship with other brothers helped me to befriend myself, my strengths and weaknesses, on how do I relate with people outside my community. This speaks about my attitude towards men and women whom I meet everyday in my apostolate. A healthy relationship has no hang ups thus creates a chaste relationship with others.

Inspired lang naman....

While listening to my Superior during accompaniment last night, my mind was wondering somewhere around the net; opening my emails, blogs and prayer sites. Then I recalled my blogs..."what am i doing here..? Wala lang..." then i changed the heading for my blogs....Got to be inspired once more, many things to do with my kids and many things to ask from friends....Ganun nga lang siguro, por pabor lang ika nga, pero mahirap din ang buhay ng mga taong malalapit sa akin para idulog sa kanila ang kahirapan ng buhay ng mga batang kasakasama ko tuwing sabado. Nabasa na nga pala ito ng superior ko, e, ano ngayon. Mas nakakabuti nga na alam nya na mahirap din ang ginagawa ko, pero higit sa lahat, inspiring din naman. Salamat sa mga taong may mabuting kalooban, dahil sa inyo, napasaya nyo rin kahit papano ang mga batang masasabi natin na dapat di pagkaitan...Salamat sa inyo.

Is he my father?

While having an apostolate last Saturday, I was busy with the kids in teaching ABC and helping them color a page. I was so spontaneous being with them yet at the corner of my eyes, i spotted this two-year old girl staring at me then i heard her asking her mother, " Sya ba ang tatay ko? bait nya sa amin" I didnt know what to say to her except that i reflected and asked myself what made this child ask her mother like that. After a while, I asked the mother where is her husband and i learned that he is imprisoned for drug pushing then she defended him that it was a set up. I shrugged my shoulders believing my bias that he was. Looking back at the child, i felt pity and comapssion for nearly two years now, her father is still in prison and will spend eight years more to complete the ten years sentence for him.

How can this child live without a father who will teach her to write her name? who will look after her? I was moved into contemplation that what I was doing was supposed to be done by a loving parent. Yes, i am not her father but the moving Spirit gives us life to see everything even in the eyes of a child.

Heaven

Kym

Innocence no longer keeps us warm
You see the world's no longer what it was for you and me
The people there no longer care if we live or die
The only time there's solitude is when we sit and cry
Sometimes my only peace is in my mind

Heaven help the angel sing
Heaven give the angel wings
Help him see what tomorrow brings
Help me set him free

Sometimes my walls run red so I can feel
It doesn't matter what it is so long as I can see
The reasons for my being here am I significant?
My education tells me yes but I feel otherwise
Sometimes my only peace is in my mind

Heaven help the angel sing
Heaven give the angel wings
Help him see what tomorrow brings
Help me set him free

Time's a luxury I can't afford
You see the carpet's shade has changed from what it was before

Heaven help the angel sing
Heaven give the angel wings
Help him see what tomorrow brings
Help me set him free

Once More

oh, once more, my dear
Let me feel you are here
Just like yesterday
Together we were very happy...

Once more, my love
let me feel you
breathe once more
once more my dear

Departing is painful
hopeful to be back again
looking to the future
looking through your eyes..

Way of Living

the time to be happy is now, the day to be happy is here....a song goes...

living life to the full at this very moment is a way of spirituality....spiritual experiences bring a person into a great depth of his own existence. religious experience supports this in order to be connected, grounded to the religion that somehow, leads to faith experience...change. mBeing in this very moment is living life with other people. we are all spiritual, we are all interconnected, where ever u are, u breath the same air i breathed, and breath the ancient matter that existed....confusing yet true, matters die, we die, we disintegrate with still exist...for others again...oh! confusing, tama na nga....masakit na ulo ko sa kakaisip!

A Candle...Presence to others...

A Candle is an overly used symbol that symbolizes many things, events and many others. A candle that is known to give light, that can be the source of light during darkness. But for me, it is also candle that can penetrate the absence of light. When it is lighted, it begins to glow and gives light and warms the nearest thing. Same also with presence, it is being here, penetrating the darkness of a space. Being present in a space is becoming part of that space in a certain time. This is what attracts me every time I go for apostolate, presence. It is an act of being with them, journeying with them not only that I become a candle to them but them as a candle for me, too. It is not only a two way giving of light but also giving warm to our relationship with others.

Immersing the light of a candle into the lives of each person is a constant engagement by being aware of the differences. Candle gives light, an involvement in times of darkness, thus extending a presence through different activities, serving the purpose of a candle.

In reality, this is not easy. There will be vulnerability and possibility of being extinguished, of being set aside when not in use. As what the Constitution says we withdraw as soon as our presence is no longer needed. Yet the fact is that being present during the times of need, the purpose is served. ###

Life's Color: Just last night, he was here, even now

“Centering Life in Christ” is the theme of our recollection. This focuses our lives as brothers who are also focusing on studies, community and fraternity, as well as with our own apostolate that somehow gives inspiration and source for our prayer life. Life without prayer is a life that is meaningless or dry and not a life-giving presence to others. We are in communion with each others as brothers in Christ. Prayer gives dynamic day to day living as it reflects on how we relate to the author of everything. We do many things everyday, preoccupied with things that sometimes, are not necessary; acting like busybodies yet nothing are done so meaningfully, thus don’t give real presence of our giftedness in God.

We may ask ourselves of the questions that we can’t just answer because we tend to deny the fact about ourselves, about our own weaknesses and limitations; that we also need to take a rest for a while sometimes. We are not built as machines that never think and reflect of what are happening within and without. We are created with a unique capability to transcend beyond what we physically and mentally perceive; such creature that can praise and curse; can love and hate.

Everything, we may say, is fine but how long will it be fine? Unless we begin to recognize our selves, our own very self, we may find ourselves gazing heavenward making our souls and spirits shout beyond our own understanding. We bless God’s creation, so others, too. Life like this is an ordinary experience of a man like a mystic. Life like this starts to recognize the redemption graced through Christ Jesus, he who revealed God’s love in every creation. “Where can I find it?” It’s just here, it’s with you. Christ gave us the Holy Spirit to stay with us, and that is the same Spirit who lived with the saints and holy people, same Spirit who prompts us, move us into prayer like today as we try to make Christ the center of our daily lives.

We may start giving up our own selves but as human tends to forget; we don’t need to do a big leap. Day by day, Christ invites us to reflect and experience his unending love that lives among us. The difficulty of doing so, living so, is not the end of everything, but it is a means for us to be grounded, to realize, that we still need Christ’s presence as we try to see him, feel him, touch, hear and listen to him today…

Serene

Serene desert day...done this again for me

Failed

Failed to call you now, When will be the time again, Here's melancholy...

Abstract

Life is sometimes, very abstract...

Gone,again

Gone, gone, it's gone, The Southwind in the mind, Silence once again...

Presentation, Day of Consecration

Good morning my Brothers ans Siters,

In our Gospel today, Mary fulfilled the Jewish rite of purification after childbirth. Since she could not afford the customary offering of a lamb, she gave instead two pigeons as an offering of the poor. The rite, along with the circumcision and the redemption of the first born point to the fact that children are gifts from God. Mary and Joseph raised their son in the fear and wisdom of God. He in turn, was obedient to them and grew in wisdom and grace.

There was a significance of Simeon’s encounter with the child Jesus and his mother in the temple. Simeon was a just and devout man who was very much in tune with the Holy Spirit. When Mary and Joseph presented the baby Jesus in the temple, Simeon immediately recognized this humble child as the fulfillment of all messianic prophecies. Simeon prophesied that Jesus was to be “a revealing light to the Gentiles.” And this is now the day of candlemas for us. The candle is a symbol that reminds us that Jesus is the light of the world. As we celebrate also the day of Consecrated life, we ask the Lord, as consecrated people, to renew our faith in the indwelling presence of his Spirit with us. As the message of the Holy Father in his Encyclical Letter “DEUS CARITAS EST,” or “GOD IS LOVE,” more than anything, they must be persons moved by Christ’s love, persons whose hearts Christ has conquered with his love awakening within them a love of neighbor. The Pope is referring to the consecrated people whom the Spirit inspired to be like Simeon; saw the light and prophesied.

Simeon was not alone in recognizing the Lord’s presence in the temple. Anna, too, was filled with the Holy Spirit, hopeful that God’s promises would be fulfilled. Her hope in God’s promise fueled her zeal, deep prayer and service to God’s people.

Let us be hopeful and pray then that we shall allow the light of Christ to brighten every dark corner within us so that like Jesus, we might be light-bearer of the world, consecrated for his Glory.

Let's all stand and begin our celebration.

FRIENDS COME AND GO

True, people in our lives just come and go but it is not supposed to be. Friendship doesnt just end because Im hurt or because Im irritated with his or her presence or maybe because he or she is intruding into my private life...life that i made for myself, that i made a wall that others may not see my weaknesses and failures in life. Because I cant just accept my vulnerability and being a human. I wanted to be great, doing great and that others may recognize me as great. I made a mistake that I didnt recognize their presence, what their presence can give me. formatively, i tend to close myself, not talking or spending sometimes with friends because they are learning who am I. This is not only true to me but also to you, the one who is reading this. i made this not because I am compelled to but recognizing that friendship doesnt just end here...true friends dont just come and go...

Provoked

Provoked to think again
Intelligent you
Fooling each other once more.

Thinking

Sitting in the guilt's palm
Shivering body
Tears flowing thinking of you...

Prayer for Discernment

Dear God, I know you love me and have great plans for me- but sometimes I am overwhelmed by the thought of my future. Show me how to walk forward one day at a time. May I take heart while I search openly, learn about all the choices, listen to others’ advice, and pay attention to my own feelings. By doing these things, may I hear your call to a lifestyle and career that will let me love as only I can, and let me serve others with the special gifts that you have given me.

Amen.

Year-End Recollection: The Empty Clay Jar

In this recollection day, the end of the year, I would like to reflect with this empty clay jar.

This empty clay jar represents my self. The emptiness symbolizes a state which sometimes not really empty but full in content; empty of graces, full of unfaithfulness; sometimes empty of unfaithfulness, full of graces. The clayness, the matter of this jar is the vulnerability to be broken, to be shattered, that demands for gentle handling, handling with care, the essence of this thing as a jar is to hold anything inside, and pouring out what is inside.

The whole year round was just like the daily activity of this jar, containing and emptying, containing new experiences of joy and sadness, of graces and unfaithfulness, sometimes emptying of some unnecessary tings, ideas and memories, bad memories of experiences.

Last Christmas, I spent my days with my family at home. With my mother, sister and brother-in-law, we recalled the memories of my father, who was a typical father: another human experience of joy and sadness. Last new year, though we were small family, we spent it solemnly.

Formation was continuous until the big day came this year, a celebration of new life for me n public as I professed my vows to be chaste-celibate, poor and obedient for and to God; this was containing all the graces from God and people, It was pouring of love within the jar from God and the people. From God, the courage to say yes to the demands of religious life; for the sake of His kingdom; and for the demands of the people from me. It was also and experience of emptying of my whole-self, of my own desires and longings, emptying, sacrificing my own will, to be in a place, living what is consecrated life. Until this end of year, consecrated life demands new experiences, to fill in my life.

Yet also within this year, as a clay jar, vulnerability to be shattered is always with me, as a human being, as an ordinary person just like an ordinary man, professional, student, mason, labourer, kid, beggar, engineer, electrician, driver and so on. I also faltered and lived in desolation: this jar experienced also emptiness of heart, just nothing and very ordinary, dry and really desolating. Those were empty moments. But I realized that those should happen to purify, to clean the inside of this jar and that new grace of consolation is poured in again, new experiences of love, of friendship, of brotherhood, a new one.

The silence of my heart gave me the grace to give silence for others, to be with others and with God. My apostolate exposure every Saturday with the kids at Payatas and Balubad were another self-fulfilling while self-emptying of my old self. It was living my consecrated life as a religious, as a person for others. Yet, in those experiences, I was also challenged to grow, to be matured and be resolved. One time that I asked a grace to really know if I am in married life or in consecrated life…shattering moments in my life, wanting to have a son of my own but wanting to have them all, thus I remained.

Emptying of my own desire, of my own pre-occupation for others was difficult. It needed extra courage and effort, for the desire was still with me, to share my being to others full of compassion and willingness in saying yes to God’s call in my life.

In all of these blessings of containing and emptying, there was this maker of the clay jar, moulded it, formed it into its essence. As the year ends today, I recognize the presence of this great Maker, who moulded me, formed me into being, into a purpose I must be, to contain and empty different experiences this year.

It is always a great joy to be an empty clay jar for myself for others and to God. My gratefulness for the simplicity, clarity of this essence, of being a clay jar; vulnerable yet has the purpose to be a jar. In this moment of recollection and contemplation, God’s graces are poured once more into this jar, to recall and to forget and be in His presence always, to be shattered and moulded again, formed again in this New Year. The people around me, whom I let them pour themselves in my being and mind, are ways of emptying as I share what are within me, people around that affected my life in many ways, one thing for sure: God made me to a purpose like this in a way of consecrated life.

Father in Heaven, maker of everything in heaven and earth, you who formed me in my essence, I praise and thank you for this year, for all the graces and learning for all the experiences, good and bad. You grant them for a purpose for me and for others. You sent people into my life, once again, I entrust them back to you. As I empty myself once more, pour your grace in me to be faithful: to be chaste, poor and obedient: to you and to your people. All these I pray in the name of Christ Jesus in the Holy Spirit. Amen.