Wilderness of the Heart

Once again I wander
In the wilderness of my heart
Dryness and weariness intensely felt
Thirst and hunger always felt.

Belongingness and loneliness
In the midst of happiness
Yet uncertain, unreal, it seems
Temptations, to stop, to go back.

Tempted to stop, I said, it’s enough
Journeying in the wilderness of the heart
Leading to the unknown
Unknown part of my life.

To the familiar world, will I return?
Not in a new place, not in the wilderness
On the familiar world, by heart is known
Should I decide, yet grow no more.

Anxiety, insecurity I feel inside
Hopelessness reveals something
Where my heart truly belongs?
In the wilderness, where God leads me into?
Or to the familiar place where I’ve been to?

My Sex Story...a reflection

My Sexual Formation Story

Early Life
During my early life, my family influenced my sexuality in many ways. I observed their affections as a first abstract definition of sexuality which I learned later in my adult life. As they chase each other inside our home, I got a healthy impression of how love exists between a woman and a man. They also tried to orient to me what is my difference from my sister. As becoming an adult, my father taught me to be mature sexually especially the time he accompanied me when I was to be circumcised. Maybe the terms my family used to describe penis and vagina as bird and flower, helped also me to gradually values the parts of body I have. Later, my peers also influenced me in other way that somehow had a positive and negative effect to me. Comparing each other's penis created a notion to me to be a man is to have a bigger sex organ. Influence of pornographic materials became a secret among us only since it became acceptable and interesting. Discovering my body's natural capacities made me aware how God made me into a complex human.

The Impact of the Society, Culture and Church
When I started asking my body and self, I started becoming confused of my role aside from my family circle. I learned that I'm the eldest and have the responsibility to my young sister. But in the bigger outside society, who I was became a big question. My role in every class activity, in our Barangay as a Youth Councilor, and as a young man who is expected to act from peoples' perspectives and expectations. I was born as a man and expected to conform to what the society's standards. Yet at my young age, responsibilities in the society and even in the Church affiliations as catechist and altar boy didn't help me to enjoy my youthfulness, but somehow helped me in my early moral formation. Attractions with beautiful girls became a sensation to me but was very careful that my parents wouldn't find it out. My attendance to Church catechisms and Sunday schools helped me to be aware of what is the role of creation in my life, that I am created in God's image and likeness, thus to be holy and pure. Conventionally, I was terrified yet exciting to masturbate as a young boy but I still manage to do it, in spite of the teaching that masturbation is a sin, as it is.


Religious Formation, Relationships and Community Life
In my religious formation, my attitude towards sexuality became more mature and still becoming mature, and understanding sex as part of being human created by God. As a sexual being, I have longings to be part of relationships. Yet choosing the way of celibacy is another lifestyle that is healthy for me in expressing my humanness to others yet chaste. There is maturity in my being as I gradually appreciate my self as a sexual person. Being intimate to my self, being at home of being who I am as I was formed is one of many ways to live a healthy celibate life. Through prayers, God's grace will help me to be open to spiritual growth; spiritual awakening, like being awakened into sexual being. Prayers bear fruits like my relationship to God as well as to my fellow being, both men and women. I will be able to live a balance lifestyle according to the values of God's Kingdom, in togetherness and individuality. My relationship with other brothers helped me to befriend myself, my strengths and weaknesses, on how do I relate with people outside my community. This speaks about my attitude towards men and women whom I meet everyday in my apostolate. A healthy relationship has no hang ups thus creates a chaste relationship with others.